When we are in hospital with Alfie I try to think of ways to get through the night. Nights are really horrible for Alfie it’s when he has his seizures mostly and they always come together and it’s frightening.

It sounds mad but I just think about breakfast and what I’ll have. If someone is coming in to sit with Alfie, then I’ll get to sit alone in the cafe at the hospital and eat all by myself which is actually the only time I do that and that’s a bit of a treat!

I’m sure most people have lots of things to look forward to like nights out with friends and partners and day trips with families. Currently we’re just in a round a bout being at home then being in hospital so these sorts of things can’t be things I look forward to as they don’t happen so I look forward to breakfast!

Before Alfie was born Drew and I did NCT classes to try and prepare us for parenthood. I can say in hindsight they weren’t much good and nowadays there’s lots more classes that are more holistic and help you to think about the choices you need to make not just how to bath a baby!

I met some lovely people on my NCT class some of whom I still see now. One lady was what I would call a natural mama! She is lovely and talked to me about whether we were vaccinating and at the time I thought of course we are!? But she did make me think and I started to talk to people about it. She invited me to an Arnica group meeting, they are a natural immunity group who advocate using natural ways to keep healthy and not vaccinate. They can also give you loads of support in choosing a natural life and the Facebook page is full of mummy’s who’ve chosen that path. I thought to myself ‘it’ll be a load of hippys don’t think that’s for me’. I hate the fact I was so judgemental but unfortunately I think that’s a bad human affliction many of us have.

When Alfie has his first seizure I felt like it all fell into place, the vaccine reactions, the unhappy baby I had, it all made sense he was vaccine damaged and now his neurological system was going crazy! I then became a member of Arnica and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done. They are a great They’re main advice about vaccinating is not to do it if you’re unsure but to research and talk to your GP and only do it if you feel sure it’s right for you and your baby. Unfortunately you can not undo a vaccine once it’s done if it has a bad reaction. I’ve learnt so much about diet, herbs, supplements and I’ve made friend for life which I’m very lucky to have done. I’ve also learnt loads about vaccines and the lies we’re told!

I’m not an anti Vaxer, I’m a pro choicer! Vaccines are not mandatory so all parents have the right to choose and be informed. All parents have the right to vaccinate too and I’d never judge either way. We all get inserts for drugs unless it’s a vaccine then miraculously that doesn’t happen. I believe in confident informed choice for parents not bullying by doctors or friends.

What has happened to Alfie is so rare but if I’d just listened to my friend and made more of an informed choice I might not feel so guilty. If I hadn’t been so judgemental I might have learned something and been a more confident mother. If I’d listened to my gut feeling about vaccines and not listened to others. The what ifs come thick and fast! I had questioned them before I vaccinated Alfie and my GP said ‘oh millions of children are vaccinated every day and they’re ok!’ I felt stupid and like I should not worry about their safety.

So I sit here by Alfie’s bed hoping so much that the seizures will stop and he will be well again. I dread the nights it makes me feel sick to think that I’m going to have to watch him all night and worry what might happen. I’m exhausted having only had a few hours sleep last night but the only thing Im looking forward to is breakfast, I can’t think further than that, it’ll get me through!

Much love xxx